I have no explanation for this other than it started in my head when lying awake at night, before the NyQuil and/or nightcap kicked in. I was less surprised that i came up with it (my interior monologue is often in Seuss-verse) and more surprised how much i remembered when i started to write it down in the morning. The brain is a storage medium with great access speeds, amazing data-type versatility and capacity, and a thoroughly confounding user interface. Regardless, here’s a glimpse into what i’m thinking about when that dull film rolls over my eyes…

    Oh, if you live alone, oh the places you’ll go!

    Oh, the things you will do!

    Oh, the things you will know!

    You’ll have zero roommates,

    and a house that’s quite small.

    It may be so small

    there’s no bedroom at all!

    You’ll go to the grocery,

    all by yourself,

    And find very few single-serve

    things on the shelf.

    Oh, when you live alone,

    the foods you will try!

    Like Lean Cuisine meals

    and microwaveable pot pie.

    You’ll eat in your bathrobe,

    or often in less.

    And there’s no feeling guilty

    for leaving a mess.

    You’ll stay up late reading,

    you’ll watch bad tv.

    You’ll skip taking showers on weekends

    – you’ll see!

    You’ll leave the door open

    when taking a leak,

    No reason to shut it;

    who’s going to peek?

    More junk mail? Don’t bother

    to stack it up neat.

    Just toss it aloft,

    let it land ’round your feet.

    Loud music? You betcha.

    Some loud phone calls, too.

    Oh, you’re not the loud type?

    Now you know that’s untrue.

    No sharing, no helping,

    Just numero uno.

    They’re all yours, so feel free

    to lick every spoon-o.    (Ed note: i love that rhyme)

    Neighbors, you’ll have some.

    But that’s not quite the same.

    A year could go by

    Without knowing their name.

    You’ll return from your travels

    And find things just as you left them.

    Same clutter, same messes,

    All your flotsam and jetsam.

    Sure, you’ll talk to yourself

    And sound a bit crazy.

    But you’ll hear no objections

    When inclined to be lazy.

    Oh, when you’re “living single”

    Why, you’ll live in such freedom!

    When you’ve gotten accustomed

    Then it’s “Roommates? Who needs ’em?”

    But don’t take my word;

    Go and see for yourself.

    It’s good for the soul,

    And it aids mental health!

    Oh, when you live alone

    Oh, you’ll have a great time!

    Just take note of these cautions

    And you’ll turn out just fine.

    Friends on the internet

    Just aren’t the same.

    Friends are just “buddies”

    Until you learn their real name.

    Clean up your house on occasion, a bit.

    It makes it much easier

    When your Mom comes to visit.

    Eat what you want,

    And buy what you eat.

    But don’t eat so much junk food

    That you can’t see your feet.

    That’s all the advice

    That I’ll try to administer.

    To all of you future

    Bachelors and spinsters.

    I’m certainly no expert

    At this living alone.

    In fact I’m quite lonely…

       Please stop by…

          Or write me…

             Or pick up the phone.