Only two more weeks (and some change) until i’m headed to New York! I’m busy reading maps and googling for H&M locations and Apple stores with free internet access, so the minute i step out of the cab onto the streets of the Upper East Side (my surrogate home for 6 fleeting days) i can discard like yesterday’s fish papers all the stupid, confused tourist questions and slide right in with the “normal” newyorkers… at least until i stop mid-block to gawk at something taller than 30 stories and am assaulted by a thousand elbows.

I’ve been diligently scrolling about on a Google map and trying to memorize neighborhoods (Greenwich Village is between 14th St and Houston) and points of interest (the Flatiron is at the intersection of 5th and Broadway), but i get distracted every, oh, 5 seconds with something else, like subway tunnel construction, or the Beaux Arts architectural style, or the capacity of Yankee stadium (58000). Between Google and the Wikipedia, there is no stone i cannot turn upside its head. Apparently there’s like a whole chunk of the interweb dedicated to NYC (who knew?) chock full of goodies for me to seek out.

It’s also full of lies, outright lies! I submit this Craigslist posting to the court as Exhibit A. It’s an apartment in Hell’s Kitchen but that’s not the kitchen that concerns me… it’s the one in the apartment! Sure, it’s tiny, occupying less space than an armchair and small, matching ottoman. But this is probably only a 135 sq ft apartment, considering the rent and its proximity to the Amish Market (well Smear Joshua all over with jam a piece of bread, nawonce!) and there needs to be room left over for a small color television, a modest dresser, purposefully yet needlessly strewn-about clothing, a thin rattan sleeping mat, and one of those clickety typewriters with which to write the great American novel. Oh, and an empty bottle of cheap gin. On its side.

Look closely, however, and you’ll see where the truth in advertising police have been sleeping on the job: “chef`s kitchen with new appliances”. Ok, chef’s kitchen? I know a couple chefs, they would cut off their own ears with an improperly-sharpened fillet knife if that phrase reached their ears when describing a mini fridge, 18″ of counter space and a stove that my toaster could beat up. And those appliances are not new… the stove has knobs! Knobs, people! New appliances are shiny and have buttons, and generally possess more CPU horsepower than space shuttle Discovery. The kicker: “ample cupboard space”. There are three. Three is not ample; three is several. Three is a few. Modest is 5-8, Plentiful is more than 10. Ample means a whole girl scout troup could play hide and seek in your apartment and no one would have to hide inside the dryer. “Ample cupboard space” does not fit in the back of a ford taurus station wagon. Have i made my point here?

Now I know after i’ve done such a nice job of selling this place to all of you, you’re going to race to the phone and try to secure it for yourselves. That’s why i was crafty enough to delete the important contact details – this one’s all mine, baby! Now if i could just find my typewriter and a shoebox to pack all my kitchen things in, i’d be all ready to relocate for that fabulous job in a Chelsea design studio…